Funny sms jokes

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.

Why was Phillip’s girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don’t, you’ve told her twice already!

What’s the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?

A: Her IQ goes up.

Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

I’m late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn’t come back for a day and a half.

I like Kids. But I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.

News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo… 1 was caught watching tv… another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message

God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

The longest sentence known to man: “I do.”

CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

Crime doesn’t pay…Does that mean my job is a crime?

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog.

Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

I want to suck you… lick you… wanna move my tongue all over you…wanna feel you in my mouth…yep, tat’s how u…eat an ice cream!

ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

Don’t spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears…

There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who’s there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

What’s the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

Wish you and your family a happy easter and make your all days full of success and happieness!

The Easter feeling does not end, it signals a new beggining of nature spring and brand new life of friendship. Happy Easter to My Best Friend!
The budding trees, the new flowers, and birds that sweetly sing, whisper to me that it’s Easter. Here is wishing a warmth for your soul on Easter and always! Happy Easter

Easter is a promise God renews to us in each spring. May the promise of Easter fill your heart with peace and joy! Happy Easter!

The spirit of easter is all about Hope, Love and Joyfull living. Happy Easter!

Let this joy of Easter may fill up your heart today and the whole year ahead. Happy Easter!

The Lord came to earth with a life to give, so each one of us may continue to live. Happy Easter!

Alleluia, it’s Easter time! Jesus rose from the dead. This salvation is for you. Wish the best for you. GOD loves YOU!

The moment I first saw you, you warmed my heart, the second time you made little flames and now you make my heart burn like hell !
 

Where ever you’re going, I’m going your way !
 

Are you free for the rest of your life?
 

If all the boys lived on the other side of the sea, what a good swimmer I would be ?
 

During maths I was thinking of you but I cannot calculate how much I love you!!
 

I am sending you to an island full of kisses on a sea of love!
 

Love is…looking whether he is looking, and when he does, certainly not looking back!!
 

Do you have a coin? I want to call your parents to thank them.
 

I wanted to put something incredibly beautiful, sweet, nice, sensitive, erotic and funny on you screen, but unfortunately I do not fit on it.
 

I cannot think of a good opening sentence, so will we just say good-bye ???
 

I know milk it does a body good, but DAMN how much have you been drinking?
 

If I could rewrite the alphabet I’d put U and I together!
 

Hello, I’m a thief and I’m here to steal your heart!
 

Your daddy must be a terrorist ‘cus you’re DA BOMB!
 

Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by again?

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It is deaf and it wants to have sex with you…………………. What do you say?

Do you know that you would look great with two pounds less … in my opinion those clothes weigh exactly two pounds !

You are just like a Bounty … a piece of paradise on earth!

You’re eyes are soft en tender,as sweet as they can be.There’s one thing you must remember, you are the one for me!!!

There are so many people in the world but in my world there’s only one and that’s you!!!

I want to share everything with you, your sadness, your happy moments, every single second of the day.
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Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, spontaneous, good-looking, nice friends, charming, funny, well…Enough about ME! How about you?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, Id put U and I together.

What is live ? Live is love. Whats love ? Love is kissing. Whats kissing ? Come here and I show you.

Love me or leave me. Hey,where is everybody going ?

Love is Sweet, Love is sad, but with me in bed Love is the best thing you ever had.

You got the style. You got the intelligence and you sure got the body!

Are you a mum? I am not a dad! Maybe you could help me with that!

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