What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.

Why was Phillip’s girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don’t, you’ve told her twice already!

What’s the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?

A: Her IQ goes up.

Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

I’m late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn’t come back for a day and a half.

I like Kids. But I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.

A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway

Friends are like a head of hair. You might lose some, but with enough cash you can buy them back.

Without humor, life sucks. Without Love, Life seems hopeless. But without a friend like you, life is nearly impossible.

Memories last forever, they simply never die, true friends stay together - they NEVER say good-bye.

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so my friend stay wasted all the time, and have the time of your life!

A faithful friend is worth more than all the gold in the world.

Love is only chatter, it’s your friends that really matter.

I’ve nothing to offer so it’s love I’m going to send. It’s nothing that I’ve borrowed, nor nothing that I’d lend. This love that I send comes with my Lifetime Guarantee.

It’s much easier to turn a friendship into love, than love into friendship.

Friendships multiply joys and divide griefs.

Our kind of friendship is like love without wings!

Friendship is a sheltering tree.

I believe in Angels, the ones that Heaven sends. Each day I tell those Angels, you are my best of friends.

Always draw a circle around the ones you love, never draw a heart because hearts can be broken, but circles are never ending.

A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature.

True friends warm the heart, make you laugh, smile…yes, you are a true friend.

A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway

Your the kind of friend that only heaven could have sent.

I need you too know our friendship means a lot - If you cry then I cry, if you laugh..if you jump out the window I look down then….I laugh again

Treat your friends as you do your pictures, and place them in their best light.

Books, like friends, should be few and well chosen.

The world is round so that friendship may encircle it.

It takes a minute to have a crush, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

To love you is to receive a glimpse of heaven.

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like your unrequited love.

I appreciate all the things you do, and the way you show you care.

When God gave you to me, he planted the image of you deep in my heart.

When you left, my world turned upside down

I love you more than all the tea in China.

I’ll love you till the end! And then some.

If love were a movie, you’d be a coming attraction.

If love were to be taxed, I would be the highest tax payer.

The most important things in my world are to get food, drink and to love you.

A day without your love is a day without life.

I can’t think of anything but you.

I don’t know how I could have done that thing, when I love you like life itself. Please forgive me.

You’re the best thing since God made men.

You’re the best thing since God made women.

You are my friend, my love, my forever Valentine.

The only love worthy of a name is unconditional.

It’s no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Just because you’re paranoid, it doesn’t mean they’re NOT out to get you.

You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

My Reality Check bounced.

Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.

Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!
Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.

Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

Borrow money from pessimists–they don’t expect it back

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
- Trustworthy.

God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

The longest sentence known to man: “I do.”

CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

Crime doesn’t pay…Does that mean my job is a crime?

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog.

Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

I want to suck you… lick you… wanna move my tongue all over you…wanna feel you in my mouth…yep, tat’s how u…eat an ice cream!

ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

Don’t spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears…

There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who’s there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

What’s the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

What do you call a witch’s garage?
A broom closet.

How does a ghost go on holiday?
By scareplane…

Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.

What does Dracula drink at breakfast?
Coffin with scream and sugar.

Why did Dracula visit the doctor?
Because he was coffin.

Why did the headless horseman go into business?
He wanted to get a-head in life.

What does daddy ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts…

What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries…

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite…

Every bad situation will have something positive…
Even a stopped Clock is correct twice a day…Think of
this & lead ur life….Good LUCK….

The candle of hope is the source of light for success
in life so don”t loose it. Failures try to blow it out
but try to guard it with both your hands.Good Luck to U.

All you need in the life is ignorance and confidence and
then success is sure. Good luck.

To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also
dream, not only plan but also believe. Best wishes for your
exam.

Genuine success comes only to those who are ready for it.
Good Luck

Difficulties in your life do not come to destroy U, but to
help U realise ur hidden potential and Power,
Let Difficulties know that U too are DIFFICULT
((ALWAYZ THINK +IVE))

I wish a wish for u.Its a wish I wish for few.The wish I
wish for u is that all ur wishes come true so keep wishing
as my best wishes are always with u. GOOD LUCK.

It’s no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Just because you’re paranoid, it doesn’t mean they’re NOT out to get you.

You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

My Reality Check bounced.

Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.

Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!
Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.

Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

Borrow money from pessimists–they don’t expect it back

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
- Trustworthy.

Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.

Why doesn’t Jesus eat M and M’s? Cos they fall through his hands.

Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!

What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I’m home!

What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.

How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.

Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

A: We don’t know. Never happens.

Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?

A: He couldn’t take his foot of the accelerator.

Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?

A: An f****ing know it all.

A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”.

A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

I’ve got the ship, you’ve got the harbor … what say we tie up for the night?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.

Why’d the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool…