God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

The longest sentence known to man: “I do.”

CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

Crime doesn’t pay…Does that mean my job is a crime?

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog.

Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

I want to suck you… lick you… wanna move my tongue all over you…wanna feel you in my mouth…yep, tat’s how u…eat an ice cream!

ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

Don’t spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears…

There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who’s there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

What’s the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

What do you call a witch’s garage?
A broom closet.

How does a ghost go on holiday?
By scareplane…

Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.

What does Dracula drink at breakfast?
Coffin with scream and sugar.

Why did Dracula visit the doctor?
Because he was coffin.

Why did the headless horseman go into business?
He wanted to get a-head in life.

What does daddy ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts…

What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries…

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite…

Every bad situation will have something positive…
Even a stopped Clock is correct twice a day…Think of
this & lead ur life….Good LUCK….

The candle of hope is the source of light for success
in life so don”t loose it. Failures try to blow it out
but try to guard it with both your hands.Good Luck to U.

All you need in the life is ignorance and confidence and
then success is sure. Good luck.

To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also
dream, not only plan but also believe. Best wishes for your
exam.

Genuine success comes only to those who are ready for it.
Good Luck

Difficulties in your life do not come to destroy U, but to
help U realise ur hidden potential and Power,
Let Difficulties know that U too are DIFFICULT
((ALWAYZ THINK +IVE))

I wish a wish for u.Its a wish I wish for few.The wish I
wish for u is that all ur wishes come true so keep wishing
as my best wishes are always with u. GOOD LUCK.

It’s no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Just because you’re paranoid, it doesn’t mean they’re NOT out to get you.

You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

My Reality Check bounced.

Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.

Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!
Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.

Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

Borrow money from pessimists–they don’t expect it back

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
- Trustworthy.

Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.

Why doesn’t Jesus eat M and M’s? Cos they fall through his hands.

Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!

What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I’m home!

What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.

How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.

Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

A: We don’t know. Never happens.

Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?

A: He couldn’t take his foot of the accelerator.

Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?

A: An f****ing know it all.

A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”.

A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

I’ve got the ship, you’ve got the harbor … what say we tie up for the night?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.

Why’d the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool…

What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.

Why was Phillip’s girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don’t, you’ve told her twice already!

What’s the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?

A: Her IQ goes up.

Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

I’m late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn’t come back for a day and a half.

I like Kids. But I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.

God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

The longest sentence known to man: “I do.”

CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

Crime doesn’t pay…Does that mean my job is a crime?

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog.

Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

I want to suck you… lick you… wanna move my tongue all over you…wanna feel you in my mouth…yep, tat’s how u…eat an ice cream!

ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

Don’t spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears…

There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who’s there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

What’s the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

The Easter feeling does not end, it signals a new beggining of nature spring and brand new life of friendship. Happy Easter to My Best Friend!
The budding trees, the new flowers, and birds that sweetly sing, whisper to me that it’s Easter. Here is wishing a warmth for your soul on Easter and always! Happy Easter

Easter is a promise God renews to us in each spring. May the promise of Easter fill your heart with peace and joy! Happy Easter!

The spirit of easter is all about Hope, Love and Joyfull living. Happy Easter!

Let this joy of Easter may fill up your heart today and the whole year ahead. Happy Easter!

The Lord came to earth with a life to give, so each one of us may continue to live. Happy Easter!

Alleluia, it’s Easter time! Jesus rose from the dead. This salvation is for you. Wish the best for you. GOD loves YOU!

Where ever you’re going, I’m going your way !
 

Are you free for the rest of your life?
 

If all the boys lived on the other side of the sea, what a good swimmer I would be ?
 

During maths I was thinking of you but I cannot calculate how much I love you!!
 

I am sending you to an island full of kisses on a sea of love!
 

Love is…looking whether he is looking, and when he does, certainly not looking back!!
 

Do you have a coin? I want to call your parents to thank them.
 

I wanted to put something incredibly beautiful, sweet, nice, sensitive, erotic and funny on you screen, but unfortunately I do not fit on it.
 

I cannot think of a good opening sentence, so will we just say good-bye ???
 

I know milk it does a body good, but DAMN how much have you been drinking?
 

If I could rewrite the alphabet I’d put U and I together!
 

Hello, I’m a thief and I’m here to steal your heart!
 

Your daddy must be a terrorist ‘cus you’re DA BOMB!
 

Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by again?

I must have been born under a lucky star, to find a friend as nice as you are, and I will follow the rainbow until the end, if you promise forever to be my friend!
 
Ferrari’s are red, Lambo’s are blue… but I am as happy in a mini with you.
 

Every man dreams of a beautiful woman, so do I … I dream of you.
 

If love is a crime, lock me up, i’m guilty baby
 

If God would have created something more beautiful than you he would have kept it to himself.
 

Can I have your picture, so Santa Claus knows exactly what to give me .
 

In my dreams you’re mine, in my life you’re a dream.
 

Girls are like internet domain names… the ones I like are already taken.
 

Have you drilled the butterflies in your stomach gedresseerd? I haven’t!
 

I saw you at a distance but you never approached, but that what did never happen, never passes!
 

If love is blind, how will she find me ?
 

Never make love in the garden or in the fields…… For love might be blind but your neighbours not!
 

The less you open up to others, the more you will suffer.
 

Whenever I see your smiling face, I have to smile myself, because I like you, you’re my friend!!!
 

There is a clown in my heart. Small and very special, he can dance and jump, laugh and sing … are you sad and crying, you can borrow him.
 
I love the spring mornings, the afternoons in autumn, the winter evenings and the summer nights….but you I love more !
 

I would have answered your letter soonerb but you did not write me one.
 

I think i should tell you what people are saying behind your back.……. Nice Ass!!!!!!!

I wish I was a teddy bear, that lay upon your bed, so everytime you cuddled it, you cuddled me instead

Luv is a sensation dat is caused by temptation.a boy puts his location in a girls destination.do u get my explanation or do u wanna demonstration?

I like your style- I like your class- but most of all i like your arse!

Do you like maths?if so add a bed subtract ur clothes divide your legs and we can multiply!

I want triplets You want twins.Lets get in bed and see who wins!

Of all the babes ur my selection.please dont giv me a rejection.my teeth are clean for ur
Inspection so giv my mouth a tongue injection!

If your right leg was thanksgiving and Your left leg was Christmas could I meet U between the holidays?